Finding My Muchness

mad hatter
Feb 08
Published by K10 In Soul Searching 5 Comments

Before we created this blog, I was writing “future blog” posts in google docs. Here is something I wrote back in April 2012 when I was feeling trapped in the life I was living. I felt that we were falling into the perfect predetermined rule book that most the world lives by…fall in love, get married, have kids, have a perfect home, have nice cars and nice things, and take a  trip once a year…at best. I felt that if we kept that up, I would wake up in five years to regret it. I was much more scared of that regret than the fear of hitting the reset button. So here we are, a month into our adventure and I’m closer to finding my muchness.

 

April 23, 2012

One of my favorite lines from the new Alice in Wonderland is when the Mad Hatter tells Alice “You’re not the same as you were before You were much more…”muchier” You’ve lost your “muchness.”

I think I have also lost my muchness somewhere in my adulthood. That ballsy, adventurous, spunky girl somewhere, somehow was lost. It might have been when I started to gain weight and lost all confidence in not only my talents, but who I am.

muchness 1

I used to be that girl who wore outlandish outfits consisting of punk rock plaid and shredded thrift store tees. My hair color changed monthly from shades of blue, pink, and platinum. I made art for me and actually believed in myself. I didn’t care what others thought of me because I knew who I was and what I wanted.

muchness 2

I’m not sure how or why I lost her.  Was it because being a responsible adult just doesn’t provide the opportunities to live that kind of life? I constantly wrestle with wanting to appear grown-up and put together while the other part wants fun, adventure and a little bit of irresponsibility. Now I’m not saying I want to throw on my over-sized skate pants and cut-up band shirt to slam dance at a show, but I don’t want this mundane life I’ve become accustom to. There has to be a middle ground. A place where I can be brave and confident, but with a touch of whimsy.

angel k10

Fun Kristin is out there somewhere and I’m on a quest to find her again.

Musical inspiration “I like the autumn but this place is getting old.  I pack up my belongings and I head for the coast.” Modest Mouse- The World at Large

About the Author

K10

K10 is a photographer, crossfitter and on a mission to find her muchness.

5 Comments

  • Kathy February 8, 2013 Reply

    I love this and feel the same at times. Here’s to finding your muchness!!

    • Kush March 30, 2013 Reply

      I have also been slowly loisng my muchness (on a side note, Johnny Depp is an awesome Mad Hatter). When I went to college I sorta got stuck in that rut. I dated the same girl until just recently that would constantly dump me and I’d always go back to her. She’d always treat me like crap. I guess I was really just trying to hold onto something that had been gone for a long time.In high school I had friends and we’d go on ridiculous adventures together. I enjoyed the thrill of this so much. We still talk about doing these things all the time, but when we get together all we do is sit around. I feel like I’ve lost my creativity (or muchness if you will). I have started to miss them so badly that I can hardly imagine living the rest of my life without them. I’m a senior in college right now and I enjoy it and I’m happy, but it’s an empty happiness. I’m on the cross country and track teams here. Running has become like a business and it’s only enjoyable when I do well, not just going on a run with friends like in high school. While in high school the team and I were like family, but anymore my college teammates seem distant. I have one really close friend here and we hang out all the time, but it’s not really exhilarating like it used to be. Don’t get me wrong, he’s one of my best friends, it just feels like something is missing. I don’t want to lose everything I had and felt as a teenager.Sorry I don’t have a solution to your muchness problem, I just figured it’s nice to know you’re not the only one out there. But if you find a way to get your muchness back I would love to hear it.

  • Nina Perea February 23, 2013 Reply

    You are on the right track to accomplishing your goals and wiser beyond your years. Happy trails :)

  • Kelly Ferguson March 13, 2013 Reply

    Did you know that I did my Master’s Counseling Thesis around the theme of Alice in Wonderland? It’s one of my favorite stories, and when I saw that you were on the hunt for finding your muchness, I knew exactly what you were referencing. Girl, you are living my dream! So inspiring to read this blog :)
    Kelly

    • AUTHOR

      K10 March 13, 2013 Reply

      That’s awesome! I love that it’s a story of life lessons and being brave. If you’re not the person you’d thought you’d be, you can always turn around and choose another path. That’s the mission we’re on and I can’t wait to see where our rabbit hole takes us.

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